Cranky again.  Maybe if I write down my frustrations I’ll feel better.  Worked last time.  They always seem so trivial once I write them down.

We had a two hour delay today.  And my field trip was postponed until tomorrow.  The students have to fill out a whole different permission slip now since the date has changed.  Why isn’t my printer printing?  Anyhow, my fear is that many students will forget the new permission slip, since they were only given two days notice, and a whole slew of them will have to stay here at the school.  I guess the real headache factors in when you think about parents wanting their money back, if their kid doesn’t go.  I hope I don’t get put in charge of that.

Oh good lord my smartboard projector crashed again.  I might as well not even have it.  It boggles my mind how in this country we allow professional sports to have the latest state of the art technologies for analyzing and reanalyzing players and teams, yet schools are often stocked with faulty or no technology.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m extremely thankful to have a school computer and smartboard, but sometimes it seems like more of hassle because of their constant faultiness. 

At least we were able to get a school reach phone call out to the parents about the field trip being rescheduled.

I miss mind numbing jobs.  The kind where you can shut your brain off and just get ‘er done.  With teaching I have to plan out every second of every day – even the moments when I’m not actually with students.  Palmer and I were just saying yesterday about how so much of teaching is NOT teaching.  Seems like I do more not-teaching than teaching, whether it be policing, mediating, collaborating with parents/coworkers, or just the mountain loads of paperwork that nobody tells you about in college.  Even just figuring out how a school district works is exhausting!  There’s a chain of command, a different form for everything, and a different person assigned for every aspect of the functioning of a district.

I need more coffee.

Those Taco Bell commercials with the spanish pop songs are ingenious.  English speaking Americans will recognize the music from pop culture, spanish speaking Americans will understand the lyrics and may recognize the music as well.  ”Es a mi a quien estas buscando!”  Too funny.

The post anti-depressant world is a scary place.  Every day is a challenge.  Every day takes courage.  Everything makes me cry.  It feels like the world as I know it was built on lies.  Indigenous people wiped out of the land I live on.  Prosperity built upon the exploitation of the natural and human resources of other countries.  Everything feels so overwhelming.  

I have to get up early tomorrow; I mean, I have to go in early.  It’s a Day 3, which begins with 4th grade band.  It takes me a half hour (at least) to set up- but that’s not factored into my planning and prep time.  Hence going in a half an hour early. And by early I really mean earliER.  I already get to work a half an hour before I get paid every single day.  Anyways.  After I set up I have to instrument hunt in all the 4th and 5th grade classrooms to see if any students left  their instruments at school over the weekend.  It’s one of the only ways I can ensure they take them home to practice, and even that’s not guarantee.  That’s not factored in to planning/prep time either.  Again, hence the earlier.

Teaching is so hard.  I don’t know what it is.  It could just be my position- the fact that I’m virtually running 3 different programs in the time alloted for 1.  Well, maybe it’s just two programs since elementary general music and chorus are usually lumped into one position, while band is usually it’s own separate position.  Yet I do it ALL.  Then again, all teaching positions are hard.  Especially elementary positions, in my opinion.  It requires so much energy to have twenty-something children in your charge for hours at a time.  It’s not like you can just excuse yourself to use the restroom if you need to.  And they EACH require your attention individually, how do you divide it up with so many in the room?  You constantly have to be thinking about what the other students should be doing, even if you’re working with one or a few directly.

So hard.  After a while I run out of steam.  I just want alone time, where I’m only in charge of myself.  I’m burnt out and out of patience.  I wish summer vacation was chopped into smaller segments and inter-dispersed throughout the school year.  Not only would each break be refreshing and rejuvenating for teachers and students alike, it would help with the retention of acquired knowledge throughout the school year instead of trying to re-teach the previous year each fall.

Ok.  Time to write down all the scary thoughts that may or may not be true but i need to get out of my head.

What if I don’t love Palmer.  What if I never loved Palmer.  What if I’m not supposed to end up with anyone.  What if I’m meant to always live a single life.  But when I live a single life, though I can always find peace, I always wish I was sharing it with someone.  What if I’m just not meant to be with Palmer?  What if there’s someone out there with whom I’m more compatible?  But I’ve always had these anxiety attacks no matter who I am with, except for maybe my very first love which was dysfunctional, possessive, and manipulative.  What if this is all a result of coming off of antidepressants?  What if I need antidepressants to be happy with a “normal life” as prescribed by society?  

Ok Isabella, what are you thinking?  You need some space.  You always come here when you need some space.  Perhaps it was precipitated by your peculiar date last night.  Or maybe because, due to a snow day on Friday, you’ve spent 3 consecutive and uninterrupted days with Palmer.  Oohhhh Palmer.  Loveable adorable Palmer.  (How is “loveable” not a word?)

So here you are, laying in bed upstairs, having left Palmer downstairs, glass of wine in hand, Cleveland show on the tele, just waiting for the grammy’s.  I love the grammy’s,  SO excited!  The Cleveland Show is pretty ingenious too.

This time of year is tricky.  It’s not as hard as it used to be when I was burdened with the weight of depression and seasonal affect disorder, but it’s still tricky.  Especially when it comes to teaching.  Sooo burnt out.  Soooo lacking patience for the children.  Maybe it’s the weather I dunno.  What is the solution?  Probably meditation.  It’s always the solution.  Just gotta get myself to do it.  I’ve been reading and seeking inspirational messages about education, so hopefully that will help.

The Bennett School for Girls

It’s horrifying.  Yet beautiful at the same time.  I pass it every day to and from work.  Believe it or not I didn’t notice it right away.  It’s set just far back off the road.  I probably noticed it in October or November of my first year.  I think I almost swerved off the road, it took me by such surprise.  These pictures were taken this past October of 2012.  It got me in the Halloween spirit.  It’s interesting to do a google images search and see slightly older pictures, where that door hasn’t completely started caving through the wall.  Now I pass by it and most days don’t even notice it anymore.

Other men.

I keep dreaming about them.  Suitors to be exact, coming to ask for my hand.  It doesn’t help that I fell asleep fantasizing about Robbie.  I make love to my boyfriend, roll over and fantasize about another guy.  What kind of girlfriend am I?  Robbie was one of the best lovers I’ve ever had.  He was like a machine; could go all night.  And his body was tight, his face handsome, good playful loving style.  I think it’s just part of freaking out over commitment.  Palmer isn’t a bad lover, especially since I care for him so much (it makes a huge difference).  And let’s face it, I dumped Robbie.  Good lover or not, he was not right for me.